Saturday, August 25, 2007

A quiet moment

It's quiet. Hamlet is in bed. Mr. Hammy is out with his buddies.

Holy crap, now what?

This summer has been so busy, it feels as if I haven't had time to turn around. New job at the beginning of July; found out that my grandmother has lymphoma in mid-July; Hamlet's christening at the end of July. Visiting family in Ontario at the beginning of August. Home on the 19th, crazy week at work, and here I am.

Things have been rough. I'm still carrying around a lot of baggage from the professional and personal kickings I underwent in the last part of 2006, beginning of 2007. It feels as if I work every day to keep myself on track. The voice in my head has to be coached and I find I have to be vigilant about where my thoughts are taking me. Listening to the timbre of my internal and external responses to determine where they are coming I upset because of something that is happening, or carrying around responses from things that have already happened. It's exhausting.

But I think I'm moving toward a better life; a better me.

Some of that has to do with how I'm dealing with people in my life. I said to a friend a little while ago, that my relationship with my mother is so tumultuous because I have this nagging feeling that if I just say the right thing, make the right argument, that the light will finally shine and she'll say "Oh!" And I'll finally have the connection I want, and she'll finally have the life she deserves. But I'm realising that life is not like that. Her choices are her own, and I have to establish boundaries that protect me and my heart. It's hard and it feels like giving up, but I am tired of brokering our relationship. I'm tired of being the kid who has done everything right, and gets screwed because I can take care of myself. Apparently, I should have been more of a fuck-up and then perhaps I'd've been heard. My mother of course denies this. She was overwhelmed when I was young, and did the best she could, she says. That's well and good, but in my mind, that doesn't absolve her of the repercussions of those choices. Hardship is not a free pass.

And so.

Work is good. Home is good. They both have feelings of anxiety attached, but I can work on that. And time doesn't necessarily heal, but it does build new experiences to overshadow the old.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Hear that?

Me neither.



(more later-tired of communicating)