Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Posting on Violence Unsilenced

I wrote a post for Violence Unsilenced...

In response to the comments left by others, I've left this as a comment, but thought it worth repeating here...

Huh. Made me cry again. Who knew that seeing your own words in a different venue can make them echo?

Thank you everyone for reading and for your comments. As Arby mentions above, I learned what I didn’t want in life. The power of negative role-models; a case study in 37 years eh? I’ve spent my whole life buiding myself into someone who had the knowledge and the resources to make choices. And one of the most important choices I’ve made is to not pass the fear along.

Not saying that I don’t lose my cool, but it is somewhat devestating to my heart when I do. You would probably see a Mom getting frustrated and yelling and being less than patient with her clever 4-year-old. My minds-eye sees shadows of yesterday, and I fear again…that I am more like them than I want to be. Deep breath. Start again. Love, and humour, and truth and light.

So that my son understands that all the things to be feared in this life come from the outside world. And that in our home and in our hearts we stand together against those fears

Saturday, May 30, 2009

It's been a long time comin'...

Well worth the wait? Not sure about that.

I haven't posted since January, and as I sit waiting for Hamlet to get out of bed one more time (I havta pee, Mommy), I can attempt to organize my thoughts.

If, for no other reason, than to move the announcement of Jaz's death farther down the page...

In March my grandmother died. She was 87 and the lymphoma that had been plaguing her for two years finally won. Her quality of life was good until the last three weeks and then it became too late too fast. I am sad that my son will not remember this wonderful woman, but we have pictures to show him - he and his Great Grandma sharing a couch; taking a stroll. We can keep her alive for him.

The funeral and interaction of my father and his siblings spiralled into the insanity that these things usually do. My father had flattered himself for years, saying that his family would never be so petty, so callous. Wrong and wrong sir. As he puts it himself, he's now offically an orphan. And I fear his relationship with his brothers and sister, tenuous at best due to half a country between them, are forever changed.

My job is looking more and more secure as my counterpart from our new parent company soundly proves himself incompetent. Oddly, to look good, I just have to tread water. (But I'm not, of course).

We are building a new house, which means we have to put this one up for sale. I don't really mind that part, but it's the preparation that's killing me. So many things to get done and so little energy left at the end of the day. I'm hoping, but not holding my breath, that the in-laws will take Hamlet for the weekend soon so Mister Hammy and I can bust out the final polishes. Hard to do when you're dancing attendance on a three year old.

And I sooo resent that every time I sit down, there's a little voice in my head saying "shouldn't you be painting/polishing/cleaning/sorting/arranging something?"


Speaking of the voice in my head....time to get back to it.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

Jaz flickers on the outside of my vision. My brain tries to reconcile her absence by placing shadows; my heart breaks when I have to remind myself that she's not there.

Today has been one long snowfall, what Mr. Hammy and I call "insidious snow". The fall seems inconsequential until you realize that it's been going on for 12 or 14 hours...

The snow and wind wiped Jaz's footprints from the backyard. Was it harder to look out the window and see them, or look out and not see them?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Passing of a Good Dog

We had to put Jaz down yesterday.

She wasn’t well Wednesday night; couldn’t get off the couch and wouldn’t eat her dinner. I took her to the vet, and they kept her overnight. Xrays yesterday morning showed a mass in her abdomen – cancer. Nothing they could do.

We went at 12:30, to be with her. Told her she was a good girl. Gave her smooches. Held her as she left us.


(Can. Ch. Guiding Light's Rising Star)

aka Jazzy-Bug, aka Buggy, aka Jazamin, aka Jazabelle

October 25, 1998 – January 15, 2009

Never met a lap she didn’t like

These pictures are 4 or 5 years old - Jaz in her prime.

Jaz this summer....