The Waiting Game

I am 23ish weeks pregnant; second trimester almost at an end. Three months to go - the time is counting down and that should make me happy, but it seems like forever to go.

Maybe it's just my faulty memory playing tricks on me - was it like this last time? Did I feel so frustrated and incapacitated at barely six months? I remember the last month or so with Hamlet, feeling so tired and wretched, unable to catch my breath or find a comfortable position.

Just like now. At six months. Ish.

The good news is that I've managed to cow and browbeat most of the general population who seemed bent on enforcing happiness upon me. "This should be the happiest time in your life!"

Seriously, anyone who says this should be a) punched, and 2) required to leave the house more. Let's see: constant heartburn, bleeding gums, nosebleeds, breathlessness, inability to sleep due to NO COMFORTABLE POSITION TO BE FOUND, incessant peeing, sobriety. Doesn't that just sound like a ball?

Joyful pregnancy is a myth that women like to perpetuate on each other. I guess that some of us are just better at confusing a desired end with a trying process; "Oh, I just wanted a baby so badly that the whole thing was worth it!". I can buy that everyone is looking forward to having a baby, but not the literal having of the baby. Labour also blows ladies; don't let anyone tell you different. At no other time in your life does a giant needle to the spine sound like a good idea.

And don't even start with the natural childbirth tut-tutting or I will punch you in the throat.

I just want the baby to get here so we can do baby things and be a family - this gestating shit is for the birds.

Is it just by doing?

I'd like to write here more. I often have things scurrying about in my head that need some sort of outlet; a better outlet then perhaps venting to husband or co-workers. An avenue to work things around and check my perspective.

Is it like everything else we say we'd like to do? I'd like to be thinner; smarter; bolder; fitter. The only way to get there is to commit to the path and see it through - stop wishing and start working?

I edit and write for most of my day. My profession is policy and structure and the professional presentation of ideas and guideance for an audience that ranges from Ph.D to D-. But the fact is, I truly love the written word. I am in awe of those who capture ideas and stories; those people who can create a vision or present their knowledge and arguments to me so that I say "ah".

I read several blogs out here in the interwebs and I comment at times, but perhaps I just need to focus on what I'd like to say instead of only responding to others....

It's got to be better than correcting a VP on his use of "affect"...

Ah ha

I now know why people find faith. It's the wanting.

I need a few things to fall into place right now, and in the silence I see why the masses say, "Oh God, if only I could have this one thing..."

But because I don't believe, it's just me and my wanting. And the actions I have taken, and the plans that I have made, and the power of my drive.

Perhaps faith is simply to fill the silence...