Saturday, August 25, 2007

A quiet moment

It's quiet. Hamlet is in bed. Mr. Hammy is out with his buddies.

Holy crap, now what?

This summer has been so busy, it feels as if I haven't had time to turn around. New job at the beginning of July; found out that my grandmother has lymphoma in mid-July; Hamlet's christening at the end of July. Visiting family in Ontario at the beginning of August. Home on the 19th, crazy week at work, and here I am.

Things have been rough. I'm still carrying around a lot of baggage from the professional and personal kickings I underwent in the last part of 2006, beginning of 2007. It feels as if I work every day to keep myself on track. The voice in my head has to be coached and I find I have to be vigilant about where my thoughts are taking me. Listening to the timbre of my internal and external responses to determine where they are coming I upset because of something that is happening, or carrying around responses from things that have already happened. It's exhausting.

But I think I'm moving toward a better life; a better me.

Some of that has to do with how I'm dealing with people in my life. I said to a friend a little while ago, that my relationship with my mother is so tumultuous because I have this nagging feeling that if I just say the right thing, make the right argument, that the light will finally shine and she'll say "Oh!" And I'll finally have the connection I want, and she'll finally have the life she deserves. But I'm realising that life is not like that. Her choices are her own, and I have to establish boundaries that protect me and my heart. It's hard and it feels like giving up, but I am tired of brokering our relationship. I'm tired of being the kid who has done everything right, and gets screwed because I can take care of myself. Apparently, I should have been more of a fuck-up and then perhaps I'd've been heard. My mother of course denies this. She was overwhelmed when I was young, and did the best she could, she says. That's well and good, but in my mind, that doesn't absolve her of the repercussions of those choices. Hardship is not a free pass.

And so.

Work is good. Home is good. They both have feelings of anxiety attached, but I can work on that. And time doesn't necessarily heal, but it does build new experiences to overshadow the old.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Hear that?

Me neither.



(more later-tired of communicating)


Sunday, July 29, 2007

Can't talk now...

We christened Hamlet on Friday, we've been inundated by family and friends, my mother and my aunt are here until Tuesday....

...pray for me....

Monday, July 23, 2007

What day is it??

Okay, I have to say it - I love my new job.

#1 - I have an actual office. Seriously, after working in a cubicle for...say....holy fuck almost 10 years, it's an amazing thing to be able to shut the world out when you need to think or have a 2 hour conference call.
#2 - My boss actually seems interested in me, my opinions, and my professional development. I'm gobsmacked. Not to mention that the executive in charge of health & safety is one of the founders of the company who I've spoken to more times in the past 3 weeks than I did in the last 6 months to my shit-eating, upwardly mobile middle manager at my previous job.
#3 - I'm getting an assistant.
#4 - I'm getting an assistant. (Nope, I meant to do that - so nice I typed it twice.)
#5 - I wore jeans to the office on Friday. That may not mean much to some of you, but in my last company "casual Friday" meant "no blazer with my dress pants".

Not to mention that despite being with the company only weeks, they are honouring the travel plans for August that I made waaaay back in January.

They are working my ass off though. But it actually seems like I'm accomplishing something and working for a purpose instead of the perpetual stream of other people's fuck-ups that was my daily bread a few short months ago.

Moral of the story - Getting fired (oh, sorry, reorganised) can be the best thing that happens to you.

On the homefront, my Mom and Aunt are arriving tomorrow for a visit. We are "Christening" Hamlet on Friday under some pressure from both our mothers. However, under the heading of "you can tell me what to do or how to do it, but not both", Hamlet's christening will be performed by the Salvation Army minister who lives next door to us. We will be saying the words in our very own backyard, with Hamlet's lesbian godmommies standing proudly by.

Faith on my own terms, or not at all.

Take that higher being.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Good thoughts needed - back to the grind

Okay, so I'm starting my new job tomorrow after being home for 3 1/2 months. The ending with my last employer was ugly and drawn-out with the results being a significant severance package ("we're sorry we fucked with you, will you go quietly?") and a thoroughly battered self-esteem.

The self-esteem part has undergone some hefty repairs - ironically assisted by the application and interview process. At one point, I had two competing job offers and was at the third stage of interviewing for a third position. Nothin' like love to make you feel better eh?

But the reality is, I'm still a bit nervous for tomorrow. New job, new responsibilities, new schedule, new demands.... Hammy's wheel indeed.

Wish me luck. Or rather, wish me talent... :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

When the world is running down...

Okay, so many things were whirring around in my head this morning. We are meeting with our lawyer tomorrow to discuss the next steps in this bizarre child-support thing, a response to the papers filed with the court system filled with half-truths and flat-out lies.

I have always found that putting something down on paper allows me some distance and freedom from situations that are tormenting me - probably why I've returned to this blog; a virtual outlet trading writer's cramp for carpal tunnel. So I put into a document all the responses Mr. Hammy and I have been tossing back and forth over the weekend. And it seems to have worked - I feel better and there's nothing in the back of my head insistently tapping, "Hammy, don't forget to tell him this."

I am hoping that speaking to our lawyer tomorrow will give me some peace; I'm a girl who needs a plan. As long as I know where we're headed, I'm okay but uncertainty can throw me for a big loop.

And I'm going to have to get better at moderating my responses to this type of stuff. I can't let these intrusions throw me, make me sad, bring up things that I've already worked through and accepted. A good friend of mine, who is a lawyer, gently reminded me that issues of family law can take years to resolve. And if that's the case, so be it. Hey, if it goes on long enough at least we'll be able to give the money directly to the boy instead of his shit-crazy mother.

Ah me, a silver lining....

Monday, June 25, 2007

Sooo tired of this shit

So my husband's crazy-ex filed court papers for child support (after 14 years I might add), but has refused to participate in a paternity test. Her written document read like "sainted mother done wrong by callous male" instead of the more appropriate "fucking whackjob wants to get paid for the screwing, physical and mental".

We visit our lawyer this week to say "WTF?"

I'm so tired of having to deal with this crap.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

It's been awhile...

And I have to tell you that the end of 2006, beginning of 2007 was the worst period of my life. And I 've been struggling on how to "get up to date" here - do I rehash the whole thing?

The shitpile of counselling and coaching I've been through in the aforementioned time period says "nope - just move on". So that's what I'm going to do.

My son, the handsome Hamlet is 18 months old. Happy, healthy, freakin' cute.
My husband and I are looking to build our dream home in May of 2008 - we'll be able to hear the ocean as we go to sleep and walk down to the beach from our back door.
I start a new job with a highly-rated company on July 3rd.

If crap comes up that seems out of context, just tell yourself "oh, that must be part of the Dark Days O'Hammy".